You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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