They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
