All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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