my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
