I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
