would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
