dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
