i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
