I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
