Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
