My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
