So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
