I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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