Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
