oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
