If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
