After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
