i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
