he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
