xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
