I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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