I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
