Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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