but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You are the jesus of drinking
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
