i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
