Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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