I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
