He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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