Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
pop tarts are not kleenex
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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