listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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