3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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