DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
