I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
