Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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