my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
