I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I want a musical about memes.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
