This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
