Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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