This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
