They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
My hand turned me down
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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