I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My ass is underappreciated
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
