I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
