I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I CAN MOONWALK!
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
