I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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