I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
