Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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