Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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