Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
