i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
