your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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