a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
