The maid of honor just puked.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
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